Good Grief!
By Gary Reece, Ph.D.
To live is to experience loss. Yet so few people understand the grief and loss process, in particular the process of mourning. There are many myths and so much misunderstanding about how to deal with loss. It is very understandable that none of us likes to experience pain and so therefore avoid it at all cost. In fact most people view pain as something that indicates that something is wrong. In the case of grief and mourning it is an indication that something is right. It is normal to experience pain over a loss. Yet most people tend to want to “put it behind them, to move on” because they see grief as a pathological state. And because of this attitude people in mourning are often stigmatized and avoided.
So in this blog I would like to explore some of our attitudes toward grief and mourning and put forth the position that Grief IS Good: that it is a normal reaction to loss and when done properly leads to healing, and when it is avoided it can lead to a condition called Complicated Mourning which I have written about previously: Unhealed Wounds.
There are many reasons why grief is seen as something to be avoided. First, because it is painful, but more importantly because it is seen as a sign of weakness and finally, because others are very uncomfortable around people who have experienced a loss. These attitudes and ignorance about the very necessity of grief and mourning add to the probability that a person will not complete the mourning process. In fact, I believe that ignorance and common myths may contribute to increasing the pain of the whole loss experience. This is important to understand because there are over two million deaths a year in which 8-10 family members are affected. And this only relates to death, and death is only one kind of loss experience. There are many other kinds of losses which affect us and also require us to deal with them. Such as divorce, losing a job, foreclosure of a home, and dealing with normal life passages.
I would like to explore some of the myths about grief and mourning. But first let me define some terms so we will be on the same page, so to speak. Bereavement is the actual state of having suffered a loss. It implies that something has been taken from us, in this definition is an implication that someone who is bereaved has become a victim, an unwilling participant. Something has been taken unjustly and it has injured us. Grief refers to the process of experiencing the loss: the actual psychological, social, behavioral and physical reactions to whatever was lost. Grief is a natural, expected reaction to loss, all kinds of loss, not just death. What determines the amount of grief we experience depends upon what was lost, and it is our perception of what was lost that determines our reaction. Others may not see the loss as significant. For example, I spoke at a convention held for families who had experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage. What stood out at that convention is that many have the attitude that a miscarriage is not a significant loss. The common response these families reported was that people told them, “you can always have another child.” In other words, the loss was not seen as significant. These kinds of losses are called “disenfranchised bereavement.” Where what was lost was not seen as significant, or that the experience itself was not viewed as worthy of a grief reaction. “What’s the matter with you, you have to put that behind you.” “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?”
Mourning is the actual experience and the active working through process. The ultimate goal is to react to the loss and then experience the pain of the loss, and then actively work through the feelings, reconcile and make sense of the loss and then to rebuild your life around new and healthy attachments. Mourning is a very active process, it requires work to come to grips with what was lost, to make adaptations to the reality of the new life imposed by grief, and then achieve a state of acceptance--resolution. Grief is only the first step in mourning. Grief helps the individual recognize the loss and prepare for mourning. Mourning is the active process of coming to terms with the loss.
Here are some of the most common myths about grief and mourning. 1) Grief steadily declines with time: time heals all wounds. 2) Mourning should be over in one year. 3) Mourning merely involves catharsis, you just need a good cry. 4) The intensity of your reaction testifies to your love of the individual. 5) Mourning only has to do with death. 5) Recovery means putting the experience behind you as quickly as you can. 6) Loss is the same whether it is anticipated or not.
These myths about mourning often make them worse and more difficult for the mourner. Being around individuals who care, understand and are comfortable with feelings is very important to healing. And secondly, misguided attempts to help by offering clichés often send messages that hinder grief: "Don’t feel, your feelings make me uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say. Get on with your life. Stop being a victim." All of these reactions may create secondary reactions and make it difficult for us to grieve. Remember, grief is good. It is normal, there are many losses in life, and they are all linked like a chain. That is why grief can be so difficult because if we have unresolved losses from the past they are frequently triggered by and compound the present loss.
Therese Rando wrote in her classic work on bereavement: “In other words, the destabilization occasioned by major loss often puts one in touch with past pain and previous times of chaos, stress and transition, and can summon unfinished business from the past all of which can add to current distress.” Good Grief, no wonder we don’t like to grieve.
I will write more about the process of mourning in my next blog. My goal is to create understanding and appreciation for one of life’s most common but most misunderstood experience. To live is to mourn. Yet few know how to go about it.
